Time & Peace

*Look Pam...belly pictures do exist!*

Hahaha. My best friend and I were joking about how I have no belly pictures this pregnancy. And I don't. It's really true. It's just amazing how unbelievably difficult it is to do with two other kids! But thanks to my sister we have these super beautiful family photos to remember this year by. (And to remember this belly by!) Thank you Mel. You are such a blessing to us!

But beside having two kids and another one on the way, our life has been absolutely upside down and inside out this year. This has come close to the hardest year of Davey and I's life together. But I would have to say it was beat out my our first year as parents ;) I don't think any transition gets much harder than that.

Although this has been one of the hardest years, it is also the year that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Davey and I have changed more this year than any other year in our life I think. And speaking just for myself, I have become a different person altogether. Not that I don't still hold the same beliefs or values or insights, but I have let go of so many things and grasped on to the few, true, real things that matter.

The year has been dominated by us trying to sell our house. And I can officially say, "SOLD" now. We move out in three weeks. This is a HUGE relief and blessing to us. I feel like a ton of bricks has been taken off my chest. Just knowing that we're moving on, that we were successful at something we put our hearts and minds into and and that we can finally get on with it feels awesome. What I didn't expect so much was how hard it would be for me to actually leave. I guess once I became pregnant I realized that this would make it a lot harder, just given that I would be more hormonal (and whoooooa am I!) but also because being pregnant makes me acutely sensitive to the awareness of time, time passing, children growing (oh, now I have to wipe the tears off the keyboard!) and our general "human-ness" if that makes any sense; memories and pasts that linger in certain places. I've found myself over the last couple of weeks as I walk throughout the house picking up, doing daily chores, coming to a spot and flashing back and realizing that the new owners won't know how many important things happened here. They won't know that this dining room floor was where my son took his first steps. They won't know that the kitchen countertop was where my daughter sat the first time I taught her how to bake cookies. And they won't know that upstairs in a little, quiet part of the house was where life began, a beautiful little baby boy took his first breath. And it's brought me to tears much more than once, like it is now.

This year has been hard because we haven't been able to tell the future. We didn't know when we would be out of our house. But we also didn't know that we would be in the process of letting life go at the same time. My gram is slowing loosing her battle with cancer. "Loosing a battle", guess it sounds like there was a battle in the first place. Which there wasn't. She's in her 80's. It's just her time. But it doesn't make it any less difficult. I love her. I'm extremely close to her. And watching her fade out is hard. But praise God. I praise Him like there's no tomorrow. Because He has given me something I've been praying for for years....

Time.

I've prayed and prayed and prayed that I would have time with my gram and papa before they go. Especially that I would have time to, God willing, minister to them. And it was my privilege to do exactly that a few weeks back. I brought my Bible to my grams bedside, read for her, prayed with her, and she accepted the Lord into her heart. And my heart rejoiced. It was really quickly that she started to loose a lot of her abilities then.

My gram is living at my mothers house now being taken care of by her full-time. She has her own hospital bed by the window in her very own room and my mother does everything for her.
Literally, everything. And just seeing my own mother be completely self-sacrificial, has changed me. She has made me a better woman. She's taught me what love looks like. Real love. It's not always pretty, and it's rarely ever easy. And a lot of times it just plain hurts. But when you love like the Lord teaches us to love, you give everything.

And that's what I've felt like this year, like I've given everything inside and outside. I've spent a big part of the year feeling empty because of this. But lately over the last few months that emptiness has dissipated and something else has taken root in my heart that is much more permanent and resilient...

Peace.

Not a peace that I could produce. Or even imagine for that matter. A peace that I could only experience through my God and His word; His promise of grace and mercy for those that believe in Him and call on Him. Because although this year has been a complete roller coaster of emotions, from excited to scared to anticipating to sad and to joyful....I've gained a strength that only comes from a trust in the Lord, knowing that He has a plan for our life and that His plan is for good; always. No exceptions.

Absolutely not to say that I still don't loose sight sometimes. I'm human. I will always fall short. There's times when I need to be reminded of these things. There's times when I crumble into my husbands arms at night and just cry. Not so much out of sadness or fear or any of the usual reasons one would cry. But more I think out of...fragility. And it feels good to be able to be fragile sometimes. To know that Dave will just hold me and not say anything. Because there is a lot I hold back during the day. When I go to visit my gram, I NEVER cry. I always put myself in her place and know that I wouldn't want to see my children hurting, but rather I want to see them joyful. So I am happy for the few hours here and there I get to be with her and talk. But surely when I am alone, the tears fall. And I crumble. Just for a bit...I crumble.

Then like always, I look at my sleeping babies, my husband kisses me on the forehead and I pick myself up and count some of the bazillion things we are blessed with.

This December Dakota starts back in ballet. Two months later we will welcome a beautiful, third child to our little (not so little?) family. The following Autumn we will start Dakota in private school most likely. Not for sure yet, but it's looking pretty good. And if not, I will joyfully embrace the challenge of becoming a homeschooling mama. And probably we will switch back and forth between private schooling and homeschooling all our kids for the duration of their school life, according to whatever suits our family needs that particular year. And sometime within the year we will decide on where our next home will be. Whether we stay here in our neighborhood, or go further out into the country. Whether we lease a home for a few years or purchase again.

There are so many unknowns. So many variables. But one thing remains...God I love my family. And nothing is more important than time and peace with them.

*Sigh* I can breathe.

New life is on it's way in more ways than one.